HELP!!DESK – PLEASE HOLD

Available to license for the 2009-2010 season

Music & Lyrics by Keith Edwards
Book and Lyrics by Elizabeth Edwards

(Left) Carrie Rauker & Esther Canada "Never Tell 'em Your Name"
(Right) Mike Finesilver & Frank Lawson Jr. "The Darwin Jive"

“Help!!Desk – Please Hold” is a comedy about greed, seduction, blackmail, insider trading, sabotaged information systems, and abuse of power in a big imaginary investment bank. Can the Help Desk stop bickering with their computer clients long enough to pull together and de-rail this unthinkable, completely fictitious corporate crime spree? Or will the Help Desk be replaced by “AutoHelp”, the brainchild software program of a mercenary “downsizing” consultant hired by a fictional, unscrupulous Information Technology executive to redirect the Help Desk budget for his own scheme?

With a dynamic musical score and a book that everyone who has ever had a job can relate to, “Help!!Desk – Please Hold” is a story of the few looking greed squarely in the mirror, popping a breath mint and attending their meeting. It is also a story of the many who right wrongs, stand up for dignity, compassion, and redemption in this culture of unbridled greed.

The show begins with the cast on stage in three offices: the Help Desk techies, the rank and file computer “Users” and Upper Management finance types. Ominously standing alone is the “Head of Technology”, a greedy schemer. The cast sings “WE ARE THE HELPDESK” (song) in which each department describes how indispensable they are.

Lisa the new HelpDesk agent’s first call goes well and the User asks her name. The “veteran” agents scream, “DON’T!” and hang up the phone. They explain HelpDesk rule number 1: “NEVER TELL ‘EM YOUR NAME!”(song).

In a high-tech office, John Head of Technology awaits a visitor. In walks “Cutter Whetstone”, imposing, expensively dressed downsizing consultant. John explains his need: forcing two older Money Management executives into retirement so he can move into finance and out of crazy technology. Cutter prescribes, “computer chaos” bringing the Money Managers and their analysts to their knees. Those “Old Guys” will finally pack up and leave, letting John take over their fat accounts. Cutter and John agree that Darwin hit it on the head with “Survival of the Fittest” only now it’s a mental thing: outwit the witless for better pay: “DO THE DARWIN JIVE” (song).

John implements the computer chaos. Soon the HelpDesk is deluged with trouble calls. Even Dirk, the senior HelpDesk specialist is a victim: she loses all her Internet bookmarks! Now John goes straight for the Money Managers. He directs Eric, his Tech Guru to “upgrade” their trading system to something new and impossibly complicated. John’s plan is taking hold, and Paul is upset about the changes to the industry. He and Bill commiserate about the old days and old ways: “OLD GUYS SONG” (song).

Back in John’s office Cutter demands payment, and John wheedles for more time. He must get seed money for his move out of technology. Cutter offers John a way to get more budget by downsizing: “SLASH AND BURN” (song). Cutter has a new program called “AutoHelp” to replace the HelpDesk staff globally. All it needs is a pilot test with a big corporation. To justify the change John gives Cutter’s biased questionnaire about HelpDesk service to everyone on a list of complaints about the computer chaos and the HelpDesk. The CEO will understand after reading the questionnaire results: “THE QUESTIONAIRE” (song).

Lisa complains to John about the HelpDesk. John gives her a choice: be cut or work for him. John then summarily gives the rest of the HelpDesk their two weeks notice. AutoHelp is implemented.

Paul is flying to China for a billion dollar deal and spills coffee on his presentation. Paul needs a printer, calls Autohelp for instructions and only gets speech recognition errors. Paul becomes so angry that he picks up his printer to smash it and collapses with a heart attack. Adam, a former HelpDesk agent turned janitor, finds Paul and calls 911.

John is in his office blaming AutoHelp and Cutter for Paul’s heart attack. Cutter sees it as one down, one to go! And where is his payment? Panicking, John calls in Eric the Guru and orders Eric to keep Autohelp running. Eric refuses to support “that piece of crap”. John blackmails him with video from hidden cameras of late night “parties” in the computer room. Eric storms out.

Lisa reports to John on the data model for the big Chinese deal John has demanded. It’s not enough; John now wants actual client data. Lisa will seduce Bill to get it: with his best friend Paul in hospital, Bill should be an easy target.

Frustrated computer users reminisce over MAC reliability. Ginger has just been to her “MAC user’s support group”. She has written a song about her MAC (song) “MY OLD FRIEND MAC”.

After work hours Adam is cleaning in Paul’s office where he finds Lisa on the computer. Lisa leaves and finds Bill who is upset about his friend. Lisa tries to comfort: (song) “THERE’S A RAINBOW AFTER THE STORM”.

Erlina, a computer user with a Jamaican accent, is on the line with AutoHelp. She say she has made a me-stake. AutoHelp asks if she would like Chinese Noodles with her Me Steak. Erlina throws up her hands in disgust, asking where’s the humanity in computers: “IT AIN’T GOT NO SOUL” (song).

Bill visits Paul at home, and after Paul assures Bill he’ll be fine, Bill guietly tells Paul that “Lisa made him dinner” last night. Paul thinks it is hilarious. That is until he realizes that Bill told her everything about the Chinese deal. Paul takes control and tells Bill he’s coming back to get them out of this mess. Bill is visibly relieved. (song) “OLD GUYS (REPRISE).

In the computer room to Eric’s surprise Lisa comes needing advice about John. After some mix-ups about who’s having trouble with John Lisa notices Eric’s lingerie – and they see how John has blackmailed them both. Eric thinks he can bring John down by sabotaging AutoHelp. The computer users are enlisted after being told about John, the questionnaire and Autohelp’s logic, which Eric checked and found that it was once a restaurant ordering system!

John, noticing a big problem with AutoHelp checks out the trouble calls – A file restore – with fries! Knowing that he is ruined, he confronts Cutter about Autohelp being a recycled restaurant-ordering program. John tells Cutter he plans blame everything on him. Cutter uses a remote control and detonates the bomb he planted in AutoHelp. When the smoke clears only John remains. A man in a suit enters. It is Adam – former HelpDesk agent turned janitor, AKA Special Agent Pollock of the FBI. He proceeds to read John his rights (song) “MIRANDA”

The show ends with Cutter relaxing over coffee and the NY Times article about the arrest of John and the frozen assets of Cutter Whetstone – who never really existed. He gets a call from a Bali hotel that is interested in his automated restaurant ordering program.

Then Cutter starts a simple melody: (song) “HELPDESK ANTHEM.WRK”
JOHHNY BOY HE WENT TOO FAR, NOW JOHNNY’S GOING BEHIND IRON BARS
JOHNNY’s GOT A DEBT TO PAY, WOULDN’T WANNA’ BE JOHN TODAY

The entire cast enters and builds the song into lush harmonies. A reprise of the “THE DARWIN JIVE” begins, and a full-cast dance number ends the show.

© 1998/2009 Keith & Elizabeth Edwards